[Book Review] Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum

Rating: 3.5/5

Genre: Non-fiction

Book Review

Do you know the term “Relationship ambivalence”? It is a state where you feel that your relationship is too good to leave, and, at the same time, you also feel that your relationship is too bad to stay. You feel like screwed up if you make either of the choices. So you don’t decide. You leave it to fate. You wait for the sign to tell you what to do. It may take months, years, or even decades for that sign to come. When the sign came, you’d ask yourself, why did’t I see this coming?, why have I waited for so long?,...

On the other hand, if might find the sign which convince you that your relation ship is too good to leave. And again, when the sign comes, you'd ask yourself,  why have I had to live with uneasy feeling, when the only problems in my relationship are so little and trivial and there is nothing fundamentally wrong with my relationship.

One of the reasons is that we tend to use balance scale to weigh pros and cons and then make decision. The problem is that pros and cons are constantly moving and very subjective. You’d feel like you need forever to make the decision. This book, on the other hand, takes the doctor approach. It’s like when you go to see a doctor. The doctor asks you diagnosis questions, and tell you what’s wrong with you (e.g., fever, migraine). This book contains 34 diagnosis questions, that will help you understand whether your relationship is too good to leave or too bad to stay. At the end of the book, the authors provides you with further recommended reading for either of your choice.  So you might not just find a way of your relationship ambivalence, but you might also know what to do after you make such the decision.

I found this book, when my relationship is kind of iffy. I'm not sure if I found my answer by reading this book. But my relationship got better before I finish the reading. It could be because of the book. But it could also be because the relationship got better by itself. Anyway, I continued reading to the end of the book. 

Overall, I found this book useful and interesting. It contains a lot of case studies, which make the book even more interesting. But it wasn’t that gripping. It’s  not the book that I can’t put it down and have to keep on reading. 

The Audiobook version of this book is narrated by Adriane McNeely. Her narration is nice, but again not to the degree that keep me so engaged that I can’t put it down. So on the average, this book is ok. It is a fine book and worth listening. 

One last nice thing about this book is that all chapters are named after song titles. For example, "All the things you are" (Chapter10) is a song from the musical "Very Warm for May". "If Ever I Should Leave You" (Chapter13) is a song from the musical "Camelot". I find this little things pretty nice and interesting. 

Takeaways

1. Relationship ambivalence makes you feel both too good to leave and too bad to stay at the same time. Avoid it. It’s just a waste of time and spiritual energy.
2. Balance scale approach is not good for every scenario in life, and definitely not for resolving relationship ambivalence. Doctor approach which asks diagnostic questions seem to work better.

Table of Contents

• I. The Problem
• Chapter 1. Is You Is or Is you Ain’t My Baby?
• Chapter 2. Dancing in the Dark
  Issue: Relationship Ambivalence
• II: Solution
• Chapter 3. Enough Is Enough
  Issue: Danger Signs
• Chapter 4. It’s Too Late, Baby
  Issue: If You’ve Already Decided to Leave
• Chapter 5. Let’s Do It, Let’s Fall in Love
  Issue: Preconditions for Love
• Chapter 6. You’ve Got a Hold on Me
  Issue: Power--When the Other Person Is Bossy,
    Controlling, Domineering, Overwhelming, ...
• Chapter 7. Talk to Me
  Issue: Communication
• Chapter 8. What Is This Thing Called Love?
  Issue: Is There Real Love Left?
• Chapter 9. It Don’t Mean a Thing If It Ain’t Got That Swing
  Issue: Sex and Physical Affection
• Chapter 10. All the Things You Are
  Issue: You Partner’s Problems
• Chapter 11. Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off
  Issue: Personal Bottom Lines
• Chapter 12. You Say “Tomayto,” I Say “Tomahto”
  Issue: Post-relationship Options
• Chapter 13. If Ever I Should Leave You
  Issue: Post-relationship Options
• Chapter 14. R-E-S-P-E-C-T
  Issue: Do You Respect Each Other?
• Chapter 15. Who’s Sorry Now?
  Issue: Hurts and Betrayals
• Chapter 16. I Can’t Get No Satisfaction
  Issue: Getting Your Needs Met
• Chapter 17. Love to Love You, Baby
  Issue: Intimacy--How It Feels to Be Close
• Chapter 18. I’ve Got You Under My Skin
  Issue: Feeling You Belong Together
• Chapter 19. Next Step

Quotes

“What had happened to the sweet woman he’d married? Now, three years later, Steve felt that Lynn had turned into someone who did nothing but complain. Then one Friday coming home from work Steve heard a song on the radio—“When a Man Loves a Woman.” Something about it got through to him, something about his having a responsibility to make sure she knew he loved her. They’d gotten so polarized, he saw, that he’d overlooked the possibility that she was unloving because he was unloving.”

“You can often fix what was broken, but you can rarely fix what’s never work at the first place.”

“The mere talent for power doesn’t make you the kind of power person that destroys relationships. But when the talent controls you and makes you its servant, then you and everyone around you are in big trouble.”

“the real problem in relationships isn’t how untalented we are at bridging our differences; it’s how incredibly talented we are at manufacturing differences out of nothing if necessary, just to create a sense of differentiation, uniqueness, specialness. Besides, communication is the one thing in the universe specifically designed to bridge the gap between our differences. If we’re having trouble with that bridge, partly it’s because we’re so interested in magnifying those differences. But communication is the solution, not the problem.”

“communication is a process of getting naked. Not physically, but interpersonally. The closer you are to someone, the closer communication brings you to this interpersonal nakedness. And love is the place where it’s safe to be naked. ”

“The bottom line is the end of the line....You didn’t invent your bottom line, you discovered it.”

“Perhaps what seems like a “difference” problem is really a communication problem.”

“Somehow, somewhere, when you look deep in your partner’s eyes you’ve got to be able to see yourself.”

“Respect is the soil out of which self-esteem grows. But the fighting and familiarity of relationships is the soil out of which disrespect grows.”

“Time heals all healable wounds.”

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Book or Audiobooks?

Personally, I prefer audiobooks. It's fun, and I can listen when I'm doing something else. It also makes other activities (e.g., jogging) a lot more fun. For more detail about audiobooks, please read [this post].

There is one more reason that may encourage you to go for the audiobook version. You can get it now for FREE. Audible offers you a free trial for 14 days. Even if you get the book and cancel the subscription right away (so that you don't have to pay), you can keep the book. And, don't worry if you lost the audiobook file. Just log into audible.com. You can keep downloading the over and over again.

About the summary: It takes time to finish up a book. And, when you do, sometimes, you want to review what you learn from the book. If you do not make  notes as you read, you might have to go through the book once again. This can be time-consuming when you are dealing with a book. But you can still flip through the book and locate what you are looking for.

However, when the material is an audiobook, it is extremely hard to locate a specific part of content. Most likely you will have to listen to the entire audiobook once again.

This book summary will help solve the pain of having to go through the book all over again.

I am leaving out the details of the books. Most books have interesting examples and case studies, not included here. Reading the original book would be much more entertaining and enlightening. If you like the summary, you may want to get the original from the source below.http://www.kqzyfj.com/click-3877311-3215981